The beginning.

I struggle with my creativity.

These days, it seems as though I'm struggling with a lot.

I'm not overloaded in any sense but I still can't help but feel as though I'm at a loss as what to do.

Perhaps we should rewind a bit.

Currently, I'm employed as a direct care professional in a small community. It's certainly not a glamorous job, but it gets the bills paid. Not to mention the fact that I'm rewarded by the love and kindness of the individuals I serve.

This is not my goal in life...rather a means to an end. After a nearly two year hiatus from school, I've decided that I will be returning this coming Fall. I'm scared, but mostly excited. I've done the college thing before so that aspect doesn't worry me at all- but it is a new school and a completely different world. I should be able to graduate in just over two years.

Of course...I still have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to pay for it all. Scholarships? There aren't too many to choose from if you are considered a "returning adult learner". Financial aid? Because I'm under the age of 24 they will still count my parent's earnings...despite the fact that they will not be helping me pay my costs. Loans? HA! Been there, done that. I'm currently paying off three loans- which usually totals to about $1000 a month because I wish to put as much money into them now to get them paid off sooner and avoid massive interest. Deferral is not an option for me.

What am I to do? I'll be able to cover the costs of the first semester in class- I'll only be taking about 6 credits. After that, I plan on becoming a full time student. Maybe serendipity will have a say...or I'll just have to suck it up and get another loan. To be fair, the costs of this university will be drastically cheaper than the private school I previously attended. Not to mention I've moved back in with my parents because I no longer could afford rent. It's been a blessing to not have to worry about rent. I do my share- I pay for my part of the bills, I do all of the cleaning, cooking, and outdoor work, I buy the groceries...it angers me when people think that I'm living free and clear. Especially when others judge the purchases I make and assume that all I spend my money on is a $60 pair of sandals-a one time indulgence. Get a fucking break, I'm a responsible adult and what I choose to spend MY money on is none of your business. And 10 years from now, I'll still be wearing the same shoes while you've gone through 10 pairs of your 10 dollar flip flops. WHEW, now that I've gotten that off my chest...

I am hoping that continuing my education will give me some meaning. Right now, I'm just floating along and doing the life thing. Really, I work, eat, sleep, and work some more. I have little to no social life aside from the occasional visits with friends far away. Honestly though, I'm not bothered by this. I don't fit into the social norm of always needing to be with others- I'm quite adept at entertaining myself, thanks.

All in all...this is meant to be a chronicle of my life, shape shifting and unexpected. I'm seizing the day, baby.